First date: Cagney

Sunday night, Alejandro had a date with Cagney – and on the whole, I would say it went well. We met up for drinks at a bar in her neighborhood. It wasn’t too busy, it being a Sunday night, so we had an attentive waitress and almost an entire section to ourselves. After some good conversation, featuring only a few awkward pauses, I walked her back to her apartment and said the standard “I had a great time, I’d like to see you again” blah blah blah. Being the cad that I am, I of course went in for the smooch – but I got cheeked. CHEEKED! BAM! Well played, Cagney.

All told, we spent about two hours together, and on the whole I had a good time. However, Alejandro was not feeling any serious chemistry. She’s nice, she’s intelligent, she’s witty, and these are all important factors. Indeed, further items in the “pro” column include our shared love of Britney Spears and The Hills. Yet there are serious negatives as well, mainly that she’s not on the Christian/Catholic spectrum (which is important for Alejandro) and she’s a vegetarian. And anyone who has heard Alejandro extol the sublimity of bacon or the joys and travails of making pulled pork at home knows that vegetarianism, though not a deal-breaker, is at least a red flag.

I did, in the end, make it home in time for Mad Men, if barely. Did I cut the date a little short to make it home in town? Possibly. Not because it was crashing and burning, mind you, but because first dates are tricky. Chemistry isn’t always obvious on a first date – sometimes it is only there as a kernel. And in that situation, if the two spend too much time together, then it can erase some of the mystery and excitement of what might happen in a second date. Some relationships might be on fire from the get go, but others need to be stoked and encouraged a little more slowly. And a little more than an hour and a half in, I knew that this risk was real.

So then the question remains: will I in fact see Cagney again? I don’t know. I clearly indicated I would be interested in doing so while simultaneously mentioning that my schedule for the next two weeks would be crazy busy. And indeed, she seemed receptive to the idea of seeing me again, despite the blatant cheeking. So it’s a possibility.

But then again, this Thursday, I have a date with Lacey. That date is at one of Alejandro’s most favorite bars, which means there will be some major mojo in play. And moreover, I was definitely a little more interested in Lacey than in Cagney during our “intimate messaging” phases, so I am sanguine about the possibilities.

So cut to the chase kid

An urgent update
Alejandro has great news
Date tomorrow night

Yep, Cagney and I are going to a bar tomorrow night at 7:30. This has required some light shuffling of Alejandro's already busy plans for Sunday. Also, it unfortunately provides an incentive for the date to go sour - Mad Men is on at 10. Then again, they show an encore presentation at 11, so the date wouldn't need to bomb quickly.

The State of the Alejandro

Yes blog friends, I have been away. You might think it was because I was in Denver, celebrating the birthday of a dear friend (and esteemed reader of this blog). You might think it was because I'm still reeling from the bizarre, Eyes Wide Shut experience of meeting Midget Fonda. You might even think it had to do with the 7000+ students that I tutor (all of whom are taking the October SAT), or because I'm allegedly writing a dissertation/book/novel/collection of haikus. Or maybe it's because my Monopoly dream came true and I won second prize in a beauty contest - and collected ten dollars.

Well friends, in fact some of these things are true. I have been busy with what the ancient Greeks called "life." But, out of concern for your ability to waste time reading blogs while getting paid by "The Man," I have also been putting in intense labor to find NEW dates for Alejandro. Yes, I have been flogging OkCupid (which significantly raised my "kinkier/less kinky" rating) for new ladies with whom to have awkward/awesome dates.

And what has this flogging created, besides a touch of tennis elbow? Two leads. Yes, two. But I am sanguine about both of them, as one seems to share my goofy, lackadaisical attitude towards what the ancient Greeks called "life," and the other shares my taste in crappy television. Since I haven't met them yet, I don't have obvious nicknames for them...but since there are two, let's call the first one Cagney and the second one Lacey.

Cagney and I are already into the "let's go on a date" phase of online conversation, and it's just a matter of picking a neighborhood, a bar, and a time. The risk with her is I haven't actually seen a picture yet. I know, it means there's a reasonable possibility of murder or whatever, but I really liked her profile. And if she's not cute, she's probably still more attractive than the Penguin.

Lacey I have seen pictures of, and she's a cutie. In my most recent message with her, I dropped the "let's go out for drinks or dinner" bomb. Let's hope it explodes in a positive way.

So that's the state of the Alejandro, at least in its broad outlines. There are a few other feelers out there, plus some lingering things from the past, but at the moment all eyes are focused on Cagney and Lacey. Tyne Daly would be pleased.

Epic Okcupid Fail

You find a nice-looking guy on okcupid. You write and rewrite a coy message, give a compliment, and--in short--open the lines of communication. Although you can never "really" know what a guy is like from a silly on-line dating profile, you decide this guy has potential. You hit send.

Immediately, you note a little check next to his profile name. What does this check mean? You place your cursor over the check and it tells you that you have contacted this particular gent about a week ago, probably whilst drunk.

Epic fail.

Get. Hot.

In this blog post by okcupid, the writer explores the relationship between attractiveness and amount of messages received by admirers. Clearly, the more attractive users get more messages. I learned this in first grade. 2/3 of male messages go to the top 1/3 women. What I did find interesting is that women tend to rate men in the bottom 80%. I can tell you from personal experience, this is true. I'm always giving guys a 1 or 2 (out of 5) without even reading the profile (please note, the recipient of the "rating" does not learn of it, unless you rate him a 4 or above). I tend to do this mostly when I am drunk and angry or after a bad date. Regardless, I def. rate more men very lowly than high--or even in the middle. What's interesting is that even though women rate lower, we still message men that are lower on the "attractive spectrum." So, we think they are not good enough, yet we message them more than attractive men. Once again, I can say this is probably true for me as well. I tend to message guys in the average spectrum.

In short, what I learned from this article is that we're all fucked and I have to miraculously get more attractive (top 1/3) in order to get more traffic.

Those shoes are definitely bi-curious

This past week has featured some uncharted territory for Alejandro. In the wake of Houdini’s betrayal, I have gone on a binge of messaging nearly any woman on OkCupid in my local metro area, seeking anyone that might be more than 75% compatible with me. Most of them have ignored these overtures of love, but a few have responded. One of them in particular. Let’s call her Midget Fonda.

She replied to my initial message with some miscellaneous details about her dog, and then asked if I wanted to chat sometime. This was the first deviation from my usual patterns with the ladies of OkCupid; normally we exchange messages, then maybe emails, then meet in person, and finally never talk to each other again. But the day after my initial message, there we were, chatting in real time over the series of tubes.

Believe me when I tell you, dear readers, that her chat comments did not take long to get racy. You see, one of the questions that OkCupid asks is “Which is more important, cuddling or sex?” For users of this website, this question further associates these two ideas in the brain. Thus, for instance, our generally innocuous conversation about cuddling turned suddenly to her talking about sex. When you’re chatting online with a potential date whom you’ve never met, it’s a little awkward.

But, Alejandro is trying to broaden his horizons, so he was game. And the conversation might have gotten a little heated. We might have decided that Sunday evening, we would meet up for coffee. There was a strong hint that Midget Fonda would not be satisfied by coffee alone.

So the next evening, as Alejandro was at work making the world a better place, Midget Fonda started again with the online chatting. She had decided she was lonely, and really wanted Alejandro to come over to her apartment, THAT VERY NIGHT, and stay over. She wanted to be held, to cuddle, and so forth. Alejandro made it clear that (a) he does not bang on a first date (another question on OkCupid, by the by) and (b) he did not particularly feel comfortable agreeing to meet a woman whom he has never met after getting off work at midnight and then sleeping over with her. Lola can vouch for the fact that Alejandro took the sheer intensity of Midget Fonda’s interest as a possible sign that she was only luring me over so she could murder me. And Alejandro did not join OkCupid in order to get murdered.

So I talked her down, she pouted in a virtual fashion, and we agreed to meet the next morning over coffee instead. We met at one of those ubiquitous interchangeable coffee factories. Midget Fonda was certainly cute, with nice blonde hair, a beautiful smile, and a voice with the subtle intonations of the Bay Area. Also, she’s 4’10” (hence the nickname).

The actual date was, quite literally, anti-climactic. We spent an hour or so at coffee, took a little walk, sat on a bench, and then concluded there was nothing there. So, for those of you doing the math, in about fifteen hours, Midget Fonda went from reeeeeallly wanted Alejandro to come over, late at night, and agree to stay the night in the apartment of a total stranger to having no interest in even a little daytime smooch with yours truly.

And while, it’s true, we are not particularly compatible, I still could have gone for a good smooching. You see, Alejandro’s second deviation is that Midget Fonda is bisexual. Now, this is not a problem for me (you’ll understand why momentarily), it’s just different from the women I usually message on OkCupid. And, had Alejandro and Midget Fonda made out, then the ratio of women whom Alejandro has made out with who have had long term relationships with women (whether before or after their rendez-vous with Alejandro) and the women whom Alejandro has made out with who have not had long term relationships with women would be perfectly balanced. 50-50. Alas, it was not to be.