Those shoes are definitely bi-curious

This past week has featured some uncharted territory for Alejandro. In the wake of Houdini’s betrayal, I have gone on a binge of messaging nearly any woman on OkCupid in my local metro area, seeking anyone that might be more than 75% compatible with me. Most of them have ignored these overtures of love, but a few have responded. One of them in particular. Let’s call her Midget Fonda.

She replied to my initial message with some miscellaneous details about her dog, and then asked if I wanted to chat sometime. This was the first deviation from my usual patterns with the ladies of OkCupid; normally we exchange messages, then maybe emails, then meet in person, and finally never talk to each other again. But the day after my initial message, there we were, chatting in real time over the series of tubes.

Believe me when I tell you, dear readers, that her chat comments did not take long to get racy. You see, one of the questions that OkCupid asks is “Which is more important, cuddling or sex?” For users of this website, this question further associates these two ideas in the brain. Thus, for instance, our generally innocuous conversation about cuddling turned suddenly to her talking about sex. When you’re chatting online with a potential date whom you’ve never met, it’s a little awkward.

But, Alejandro is trying to broaden his horizons, so he was game. And the conversation might have gotten a little heated. We might have decided that Sunday evening, we would meet up for coffee. There was a strong hint that Midget Fonda would not be satisfied by coffee alone.

So the next evening, as Alejandro was at work making the world a better place, Midget Fonda started again with the online chatting. She had decided she was lonely, and really wanted Alejandro to come over to her apartment, THAT VERY NIGHT, and stay over. She wanted to be held, to cuddle, and so forth. Alejandro made it clear that (a) he does not bang on a first date (another question on OkCupid, by the by) and (b) he did not particularly feel comfortable agreeing to meet a woman whom he has never met after getting off work at midnight and then sleeping over with her. Lola can vouch for the fact that Alejandro took the sheer intensity of Midget Fonda’s interest as a possible sign that she was only luring me over so she could murder me. And Alejandro did not join OkCupid in order to get murdered.

So I talked her down, she pouted in a virtual fashion, and we agreed to meet the next morning over coffee instead. We met at one of those ubiquitous interchangeable coffee factories. Midget Fonda was certainly cute, with nice blonde hair, a beautiful smile, and a voice with the subtle intonations of the Bay Area. Also, she’s 4’10” (hence the nickname).

The actual date was, quite literally, anti-climactic. We spent an hour or so at coffee, took a little walk, sat on a bench, and then concluded there was nothing there. So, for those of you doing the math, in about fifteen hours, Midget Fonda went from reeeeeallly wanted Alejandro to come over, late at night, and agree to stay the night in the apartment of a total stranger to having no interest in even a little daytime smooch with yours truly.

And while, it’s true, we are not particularly compatible, I still could have gone for a good smooching. You see, Alejandro’s second deviation is that Midget Fonda is bisexual. Now, this is not a problem for me (you’ll understand why momentarily), it’s just different from the women I usually message on OkCupid. And, had Alejandro and Midget Fonda made out, then the ratio of women whom Alejandro has made out with who have had long term relationships with women (whether before or after their rendez-vous with Alejandro) and the women whom Alejandro has made out with who have not had long term relationships with women would be perfectly balanced. 50-50. Alas, it was not to be.

the penguin

So the first date from okcupid was last night. You might think, based on my blogging late Saturday morning that it went well. Perhaps we went out for drinks, maybe dessert, took a long stroll through scenic Boston, and then happened upon my apartment, or perhaps even hers. Maybe one of us invited the other inside for a nightcap, and with all our roommates conveniently out of the apartment, we sat on the couch, talked, and slowly inched closer to one another. Perhaps our animal instincts overwhelmed us, and we made out furiously, moved to the bedroom, and did that thing adults sometimes do.

You might think that. It makes sense. This blog is about being In Search of Awesome, and the above scenario does indeed sound awesome.

What actually happened, however, diverges from the scenario above precisely after the "we went out for drinks" part. We did in fact get drinks at a bar that was mutually convenient to both of us and had a fine beer selection. Thankfully, her posted photos online were accurate enough that I was able to pick her out of the crowd waiting outside, yet they were still very complimentary photos. She was not attractive. Obviously, this is a risk with online dating, indeed dating in general, but it need not be the marker of an unpleasant night. I have had plenty of fun with unattractive people in my life, and I hoped this would be an exception.

Sidebar: have you ever seen the movie Shallow Hal? With Jack Black? I don't ask because it's a good movie and I think you should watch it - both those claims are false. But the premise is that Jack Black's character, the titular Hal, is cursed (blessed?) by Tony Robbins to see people as who they are inside, not what they look like outside. He ends up dating an enormous woman who is a fantastic human being because he's not blinded by his titular shallowness.

The girl from last night, had she been in that movie, would have looked exactly the same regardless of the curse. She was a cold fish, negative, in no way funny, judgmental, and all around unpleasant. By the time I had received my beer from the always courteous waitstaff, I wanted to leave. Sadly, I had a full hour left to go. She had a tongue ring, which 24 year old me would have giggled over, but 29 year old me has (largely) moved past.

Sidebar 2: Have you ever seen Batman Returns? It was the second Tim Burton Batman film, which I think underrated. For villains, it features Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and Danny DeVito as the Penguin. Last night's girl was basically the lovechild of the Penguin, both body and soul.

The only real solace from last night was the afterparty, with friends (including dearest Lola), and the satisfaction that her night went better.