questions

For those readers not familiar with OkCupid, I'd like to explain the question system on the site.

Like most other sites, it has both a short answer and a stats section. The short answers are things like "Introduce Yourself," "Six Things I Couldn't Live Without," "What I'm Looking For," "My Typical Friday Night," etc. The stats are things like height, body type, age, religion, sign, whether or not you own dogs.

The real meat is in the questions. OkCupid is riddled with questions that you give your multiple choice answer to, what you would like a potential partner to answer, and how important that question is for you. There is also space to explain your answer, and you can decide whether or not to let your answers be viewed publicly.

Based on the answers and ratings and such for these questions, OkCupid assigns a % Match, % Friend, and % Enemy rating for you and any potential match you view.

All that is a mere prelude. The real goal of this post was to share my favorite question I've come across thus far: "If you were out on a dinner date with your partner and some friends, would you allow your partner to covertly play with your genitals under the table?"

No I didn't answer it...or DID I?

Dear Alejandro

Three dates and I'm out.

Seriously. I leave town for a little bit, I come back, I move into a new domicile. We make plans for her to come over the evening after I move in and help me unpack. Seems like a great opportunity to (a) hang out, (b) demonstrate my openness to her by letting her rifle through my decades of collected crap, and (c) possibly smooch. She says she'll play it by ear, but generally she's looking forward to seeing me.

I hear nothing from her all day. I'm frustrated, but I also had bowel problems that day, so I thought maybe it's for the best. The next morning I email her, with the catchy subject title "What the hell?" I try to go back to sleep.

An hour or so later, she replies, admits to being a jerk, and then says "I'm not certain I can make this work." She says she "really really enjoys hanging out with me, but she has apparently just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn't expecting something good to happen. She says again that I'm pretty awesome, that she "despises" herself for writing a cliched email, and then says she hopes the move went well.

Some thoughts:
(1) Maybe you shouldn't be on a dating site if you don't want to date.
(1b) Maybe you shouldn't have contacted me first if you don't want to date.
(2) Apologizing for the contrived and cliched tone of the email doesn't make it any less contrived and cliched.
(3) I am really goddamn awesome, and don't want to waste my time on girls who don't recognize that - or worse, girls who do recognize that and still decide that they don't have time for me.

So she's clearly out of the picture. It's interesting, I had forgotten what impotent rage felt like - that desire, that need, to just scream at someone and make them realize what a moron they're being - but now I remember.

As per Lola's and my rules, since this relationship had been going well, I wasn't really writing about it, and certainly hadn't nicknamed her. But now I have. Say goodnight, Houdini: you disappeared on me a couple times when things were good; now I hope you disappear entirely.

It does not impress me...

that you have recently purchased a brand new BMW and are transporting it across the world from Germany to Seattle...

Pay Attention

Alright ladies of OkCupid, if you decide to message me based on my profile, here are some pointers.

(1) As the title of this blog indicates, both Lola and I are searching for someone awesome. This is largely because we are, ourselves, awesome. Thus maybe, when you contact one of us, you should not open your email with the line "i dont think your as awesome as i am !" Setting aside the (at least) five spelling/grammatical errors in this sentence, you sound like a douche. Also, by down-playing my (obvious) awesomeness, you make me wonder why you are contacting me at all.

(2) If, despite the above advice, you do decide to open with that line, do not follow it up with "lol". I can understand the obvious temptation - you have started with a jibe, and you want me to know that you're kidding. Yet, if you really did like my profile, you might have discovered that under the heading "The most private thing I'm willing to admit" I wrote "If you excessively use "lol", I will probably stop talking to you (I will definitely judge you)." Yes, I wrote excessively, so you can probably get away with a single "lol." But why push it? Why?

(3) Wrapping it all up with "hey im stephanie your very handsome" is a solid move. I am very handsome. Your continued rejection of the apostrophe is troubling, but at least you have recognized hotness when it is staring you in the (virtual) face.

I hope these few pointers will be helpful in your future attempts to "intimate message" me on OkCupid.

Ode to Douchebags

I'm not impressed that you play intramural sports four nights a week, or that you know every Red Sox baseball stat. I'm not impressed when you talk about your musical compositions. Or when make me split a $20 check, or talk about your dead grandpa. Not impressed that you hate cats, that your faux-hawk is perfectly symmetrical, or that you ride your bike everywhere.

I'm not impressed that you're in a band.

It doesn't impress me when you bust out your i-phone to show me a movie trailer, or that picture of you and a small child on your on-line dating profile. I'm not impressed that you once set couches on fire back when you were in a frat, or when you say you'll allow me to pick up the check, so as not to stifle my "female equality."

It doesn't impress me that you don't drink alcohol or eat chocolate. Or that you own two cars--one for the winter, one for the summer.

It doesn't impress me that you had a serious girlfriend in New York that you recently broke up with, that you are "still friends" with your ex's, or when you ask me if "I do this often?"

Not impressed that you're divorced, that you don't eat at chain restaurants, or that you claim to admire Kandinsky.

I'm not impressed when you drop me off at the T instead of offering me a ride home, or that your parents have money. Or when you nudge me into a debate about authentic versus inauthentic travel. Nor am I impressed that you love to "try new recipes" and are "adventurous," or that you are fashionably late.

I'm not impressed when you tell me your underwear is from Express, especially after I've just spent five minutes making fun of Express for Men. I'm not impressed by words like Marxism or dialectical or fastidious. Or puns. Or you.

just saw eclipse OR why are vampires so sexy?

I just saw Eclipse. I'm on the train going home and I'm in a tizzy. A tizzy! Love triangles. Bare-chests. Almost sex that might be so far from sex it's sex!

my left big toe was bleeding during the film (accident with door) and it made me want to be a teenage girl and have a sexy vamp suck my toe.


yea, that's right. I went there.

The Zit

Ever seen that episode of My So Called Life were Angela gets the giant zit and all she can think about is making-out with Jordan Catalano and the zit that is slowly consuming her face?

Yea, that's me right now.

the waiting is the hardest part

It's tough. I'm out of town, away from my potential lady friend. I last saw her about a week ago, and have had some limited contact since then. It frustrates me to be away, as I skipped town only two weeks into our "relationship." This should be prime smooching, cuddling, quality time. Clearly, my timing is atrocious.

A few texts have been exchanged, but it's been pretty limited. I really want to talk to her, but the near universal advice I keep getting is "play it cool."

Well, playing it cool sucks. It sucks. I know if I overdo it, I'll blow the whole thing, blah blah blah. I just sit here, in an incredibly comfortable chair, periodically checking my phone to see if I've received a message, or looking at the photo I took of her with my phone. I fawn over it. It's true. I feel like such a pansy.

huzzah

I went on an AWESOME date the other night. No one I've written about so far. A new dude. He's, in short, (prepare yourselves for a string of adjectives): funny, intelligent, attractive, a sweetheart, quirky, and passionate. He talks more than I do, which is just insane and awesome.



We went out. Had a great time. We didn't kiss, but held hands. (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww)



I'm still going to go out with a couple of the guys I've met "in real life," so that I don't get too excited (I'm very excitable) and put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. New dude is taking me out again early next week!!! Embarrassingly, I want to see him as much as possible before I leave for my 2 week trip. I want to get to know him better.

End. It.

The Lola Ultimate Dating Playoffs are, officially, over. I am exhausted! And, I am choosing none of the contestants. Tiger never got back in touch with me, so I'm done with his flightiness. I could go out with Patchy again, but I think I might have to kill myself before drinking more of his precious mineral water. Bean, clearly, was a flop. And Face Guy hated me.

So, onto bigger and better things...

A new sort of bracket! Recently, friend sent me this: Who is the Sexist Beast of All Time dating bracket. I think I am going to put all my energy into completing it, possibly in the form of some sort of drinking game.

Accidental Date?

So, I met this boy when I was out and about--two weeks ago. I was very drunk (damn you makers mark!). I screamed at him--loudly--that we should be friends. We exchanged digits. I meant nothing more by this transaction, than to acquire a new friend.

Second Part Digression: As depicted in THE RAM, I am a rather aggressive gal. But not only in dating, in everything. So, when I meet a new person that I really want to be friends with I can come on a little strong. Two examples. When I wanted to be friends with one of Alejandro's friend (and first follower of this blog), I vaguelly recall drunkenly screaming (once again. pattern?) that we should be bffs. Gladly, this person is really awesome, and played along and now we're friends!

Another example: Accidental Lesbian Date. I went to a lesbian block party during Pride Week. I've been known to check out the ladies, and many of my friends are lesbians and I thought it would be fun. It was super fun. However, my lesbian friends and I met a chic. I was not in any way attracted to her, but thought she was awesome. Went out of town for awhile and, upon my return, I promptly contacted Potential New Friend (PNF) because she seemed cool. PNF wanted to hang out that Sat. I said sure, whatcha wanna do? She said a late night stroll around the neighborhood. I said, why don't we do something more exciting (ie. drink). She countered with...mini-golf. It was not until this moment that I realized I had walked into a date. In retrospect, I was pretty dense. Clearly, we met at LESBIAN BLOCK PARTY and I came on strong to be her friend (calling right when I got back from vacation) and, well, in short I blame myself. I called off the "date," and we have not spoken since.

So, in short, I am overly aggressive and often naive. But in this following situation, I feel like I didn't come on too strong, etc. Check it out:

So, met this guy. Exchanged digits. He was cool and I'd consider going on a date with him, but he's probably not gonna be the love of my life. So, last night I get a text from him that says, "Wanna go to yoga with me tomorrow?" Do I want to go to yoga with a potential new friend? Of course! I love yoga! I love PNFs! Early this morning (7am) I respond: "I teach then. Another time?" Him: There is another class with that teacher on thurs from 6:15 to 7:15 (pm). also...if not let me know your teaching schedule and we'll work our date in around that!" Half-asleep, I do not read this text closely and see yoga on Thursday and think yes. Respond with: "Perfect." I fall back asleep. Why we were texting at 7 am is beyond me...

I wake up a couple hours later and re-read the text. I notice the our date part. Does this mean he thinks it is a date? Or, am I overthinking this shit? I'm okay if it is a date, but it is weird because I didn't consent to a date. So, am I in another accidental date situation? Thoughts?

Disappointing Guy of the Day

The Switch is a dating blog my friend writes. Honestly, it is one of the wittiest, well-written blogs I've come across. The Disappointing Guy of the Day posts are fucking hilarious. In high school, this friend once announced in AP English that "love is as messy as chicken wings." Enough said...

I am visiting my friend for 9 days at the end of August. Shenanigans will, inevitably, ensue. There will be guest posts on both blogs, kinda like an Angel/Buffy crossover episode. There will be disappointing guys. There will be drunkenness. There will be chaos. And, then, there will be awesome.